Houston....We have a problem

I'm in Houston, TX (shout out to Hilary..I know you miss the heat) this week for work, and I just barely got here. It is sunny and beautiful. My trip didn't start the way I planned it, which is surprising, I'm sure, to many of you. So, I would like to compile a list of flying rules for travelers of any age.

1) Be on time. I think it is very important to keep the time table because the planes don't usually wait for you. So, yes, I missed the plane. First time EVER! Let me explain why. First of all, I didn't want to get out of bed this morning when the alarm went off at 4am. I hadn't slept all night because I'm just that way. And who was the crazy person who made this reservation for 6:40am flight, anyway? Ok, so it was me. Don't know what I was thinking. Probably wasn't thinking, that was the problem. So, I left the house at 5am. After getting into the car I noticed there was no gas in my car, so I had to do a detour to the gas station for some expensive gas.

Trip continued.

Got to the airport just fine, hopped on the shuttle and got to the HUGE security line. There were millions of kids (ok, there were only 6, but you know how they move fast so it seems that there are at least a million of them).

And here is where my trouble started. Got to undress in front of all the people, pulled stuff out of my suitcase, and I was ready to go through the security check. Went through the air machine just fine until I heard the voice of a female security person yelling:"Whose big bottle of hairspray is this?" Sheepishly I announced that it was my quart size bag that I didn't realize that 6.6 fl oz doesn't equal 3 fl. oz. I was never good at math so don't blame me. And those oz and stuff don't mean anything to me, anyway. Why can't we deal with the metric system in this country. It would be so much easier and people like me wouldn't get caught trying to smuggle a hairspray bottle on board. So, the nice lady told me that I had to go play chemist and dump the big bottle and put some of it in the empty bottle I HAPPENED to have on hand (I kind of planned to have it on hand, just in case they discovered my evil plan). So, off I went, to the BACK of the line to do my dumping. At this time the time was 6:30am. Need I remind you that the plane was supposed to depart at 6:40am. So, I quickly went back in line (not the whole line, I'm not that stupid) and asked a nice security gentleman if I can sneak in because I tried to smuggle some liquid on. He let me in, and this is where I faced the children. There were 3 kids in front of me undressing, unstrapping, untying. I undressed again, emptied my nearly empty suitcase, and was ready for the re-do of the security check. And the kids took forever.

After dressing, and getting a green light this time, I raced the mile to the Southwest gate, and got there 6:41. The plane was gone, and I was not on it. Then the voice of Alex came to me reminding me to "think mom!" I went to the counter where the nice lady told me that she had been looking for me. Really? "Did you go look in the bathroom, because I wasn't there? I was at the security line behind a million kids with a small hairspray bottle in hand."

The nice lady told me that she can put me on a stand-by to Vegas and then to San Antonio. My original flight was supposed to get to Houston at 1:50pm. This new flight pattern would put me to Houston at 2:50pm. "I'll take it", I said.

And off we went to Vegas. Window seat, and a nice view of the wing mechanics. The flight attendant sang when we were landing in Vegas. If you haven't tried the Southwest flight to Vegas before, I highly recommend it. The flight crew is hilarious. Puts you in a gambling kind of mood.

Changed planes in Vegas. Walked to the next plane to San Antonio after de-planing. In the air again. This time in the middle seat. Beggars can't be choosers. This seat arrangement brings me to:

2) If you have to bring a coffee table size book on board, lay it in your lap and don't block both of the windows from the person who is sitting next to you (especially the person who can't sleep or read during the flight, BUT who can listen to iPod, I discovered...a major win in my OCD flying...Tom Jones and BeeGees on mine, if you were wondering what's playing on my iPod).

3) If you claim the window seat, at least look at the scenery, for heaven's sake, at least once during the flight. Why do you want that seat if you are not planning on looking at the wasteland between Vegas and San Antonio.

4) San Antonio is GORGEOUS! Shout out to Janessa. I thought about you the whole 15 minutes I was on the ground. Didn't know it was so green and foresty.

I got to San Antonio 20 minutes ahead of time. Leasurely, I went to the bathroom, picked up some gum and water. Then strolled to the gate and noticed that my last leg was 35 minutes late. Talked to the nice lady at the counter and she said:"I can put you on this 1pm flight to Houston that is boarding right now." So, I was literally on the ground in San Antonio for 15 minutes.

5) Cute little 50 year old men read "People" as much as the next girl.

I sat next to the cutest gray haired man. He seemed to have Down's Syndrome and we struck up a conversation. I didn't, unfortunately understand anything except that his name was Mark. He couldn't open his peanuts and I helped him, hardly able to open the foil package myself (and this is where Rod laughs because he would tell you that I can't open anything worth crap).

6) "Cell phone turn off" rules apply to executives. Don't try to scroll down your messages when we are almost in the air.

7) If you forgot to turn off the cell phone, don't answer it while we are in the air! Didn't you feel the sudden jerk of the plane when you answered the phone? Or, maybe it was water in the gas tank that caused the turbulence.

8) Don't pass gas while flying. The sign says that people will be using the seat cushion in case of an emergency water landing. I take that back. I think that passing gas is ok if you are sitting in a leather seat, because you know that the "bubbles" just bounce off the leather. If the seat is fabric...you don't even want to think about it. Or think about those sorry souls who need to rip that seat off, and hold on to dear life while floating somewhere in the Lake Mead or some ocean, while cursing your name.

I got to Houston 10 minutes before my original flight (a 32 minute flight from San Antonio). I was in the SuperShuttle 15 minutes after that, and an hour later, I was in my hotel room somewhere in the city...now hungry and sleepy.

And here is the beautiful "city view" from my hotel window. I'll be here until Thursday. So, stay tuned for exciting adventures of Marja in Houston.